I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
