Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
