I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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