Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
