theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
