I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
