And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
