and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
