Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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