Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
