I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
