fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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