in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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