Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
