I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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