i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
