Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
