i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize