Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
