I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
