He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
