The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize