My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
