It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
