i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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