Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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