Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize