I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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