Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
