So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
