I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
