Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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