cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There's always time for handjobs
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
