two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
