Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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