I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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