Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
