my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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