I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
