i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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