i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
