If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
