I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Acid is not a monday night drug
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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