Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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