I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
