Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
BRING THE BAGELS
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
