guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize