i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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