swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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