Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
