i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
