it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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