So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just had sex bonerless
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
