There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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