I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
