I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
