I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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