We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
