I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
