apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
