Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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