I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
