I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
