It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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